i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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