you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
