u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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