I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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