Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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