Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
and you fell through a lawn chair
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize