he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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