Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish you could order shots online.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
