Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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