My sheets look like a crime scene.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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