you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
