Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
