So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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