Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize