What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
