Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
