I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
