I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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