I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
