I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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