I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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