everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
