i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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