does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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