But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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