saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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