Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
