I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
