I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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