what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
