based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
