Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
