Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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