just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize