Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I smell like Dick and happiness
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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