dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize