I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
