We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
