please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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