My friends, they love my intelligence
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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