We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
