My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Less talking, more tequila
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
