I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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