I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
