You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have aggressive nipples.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
