cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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