Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
