I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
