If that was your dad, he is hot
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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