I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
