So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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