Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
