so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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