On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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