I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
