you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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