as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
