i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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