I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
my poor anus
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
