Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize