Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
