everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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